I know you are but what am I?

I sometimes wish there was a pill that would take away all of my insecurities. I'm sure the only downside is becoming an ego maniac.   Tit for tat right?

It's been said that you are your own worst critic.  And a truer statement has never been spoken. I'm pretty sure the people I've met with the best hearts are the cruelest to themselves.   I would count myself as one of them.

Sure I can gossip and be sarcastic but I am also incredibly caring and compassionate.  I pride myself on my ability to listen to others while withholding judgement and on a good day advice too.  What can I say I not perfect but I spend a lot of time trying to be.

As of late I can tell this inner critic is creeping in to poo on all my fun.  It tells me I'm a mean jerk when in reality I probably put my foot in my mouth a little (like just the pinky toe) instead of the whole thing including the wool sock.

For instance, I had a lovely visit today.  But do I focus on the overall pleasantness of my time spent with another person.  NOOOOOooooooo of course I don't.  My brain would rather remind me of all the anecdotes I repeated or annoying opinions I shared with my companion.

I am such a jerk to myself. I would never do this to someone else but here I am scalpel in hand dissecting every morsel of conversation.  It's exhausting.  I'm trying to use some skills to distract from this need to ruminate.

It's probably why I started this blog.  I want to keep some sense of perspective while having the illusion of accountability.

Are you your own bully? How do you treat yourself with kindness?

Who's got a case of the Mondays?

I can't believe the weekend is over.  I might just want to cry.  The hubby didn't have to work and we had extra hands as my in-laws came to stay.

You would not believe the stuff I got done.  I cooked a meal for ten people, organized my papers and started a filling system. I slept so much that I almost feel normal.  I went out on a date with my guy.  Wow! Seriously wow!

It's times like these that I feel so optimistic and positive.  I wish I could hold onto the feeling and keep up the momentum but the days get long and lonely.  It's hard to keep on truckin when you are taking care of an infant.

Tonight I'm baking.  I very rarely bake anything.  I think it's because I live on the savory/salty side of life.  Everybody needs a little sweet sometime.  So tonight it's Lemon Blueberry Cake.  The recipe is adapted from a Blueberry Cake recipe from the Student's Vegetarian Cookbook by Carole Raymond.  I have the 1997 edition but there is a newer revised edition from 2003.  I doubled it, added lemon zest, and topped with a lemon glaze

I cooked it for 35 minutes and it was golden brown on top but still raw in the middle. Boo! So I put it back in for another 7 minutes and lowered the temperature to 300 degrees.  I think I could have probably left in there at 350 for 5 more minutes and it would have been okay.  I used a glass casserole dish which probably had some impact on how the cake baked.

***Update January 29, 2015: I did some research and if you use a dark metal pan or glass dish lower the temperature by 25 degrees.  So I made a second cake and baked it at 325 degrees for 40 minutes.  It turned out perfectly.****

The cake was quite yummy. It's more fresh and light than a traditional cake.  My hubby said it had nice citrus flavor and tasted almost good for you.   What more can you ask for?

Cat Lady Lemon Blueberry Cake

3 cups flour
1 cup sugar
4 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 cups milk or soy milk (not sure how almond or coconut milk bakes)
1/2 cup vegetable oil
2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries rinse, thawed and drained
1 lemon zested

Lemon Glaze

3/4 cup powdered sugar
3 to 4 tablespoons lemon juice

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

1. In a medium bowl, combine the flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt.
2. Add the milk, lemon zest and oil; mix until the batter is smooth.
3. Pour the mixture into a lightly oiled 9 X 12-inch baking pan. ( I used a glass baking dish.)
4. Sprinkle the berries on top
5. Bake for 35 to 45 minutes, or until the top is golden and the middle is cooked.
6. Let rest for 5 to 10 minutes.
7. Mix powdered sugar and lemon juice in a bowl.
8. Drizzle mixture on top of cake with a fork or spoon and serve.

It's Caterday

It's a miracle.  I feel almost like a new person Thirteen hours of uninterrupted sleep will do that for a girl.  I'm still a little tired and rumpled but overall much better. 

The little one is starting to interact a bit more.  We have this awesome book called Kitty Tails (you can still find it online.)  It's bright and crinkly.  She loves it.  Her eyes boing out everytime I turn the page.  I gotta say it really makes me giggle. 

Last week was a real struggle.  I am glad that it's over.  It's hard to be creative let alone function when you feel completely tapped. I hope this weekend brings a much needed reprieve.  

Blabber blab blabby blab

Yesterday I made Turkey Meatball Soup.  It was delicious! I would highly recommend it for a quick dinner. We had enough for 4 large servings. Here's a link to the recipe: Weeknight Bite's Turkey Meatball Soup

It would be pretty simple to modify this recipe should you not live near a Trader Joes.  The Mirepoix is roughly a pound mixture of carrots, onion and celery.  In my mind it looked like a small/medium yellow onion, 3 large carrots and 3 celery stalks.  By the time I wrote this the bag of cabbage was already in the garbage so I don't know the ounces.  I think you could easily substitute a bag of coleslaw mix or 1/4 head of cabbage.

I don't have a lot to add.  I am way tired.  Fortunately the hubby doesn't have to work through the weekend. As a bonus my in-laws are coming for a visit and my niece and nephew have a birthday (they're twins.) So it will be busy but tons of family fun.

I watched The Taste tonight and was inspired to make a Sesame Snow Pea Salad.  I followed a recipe but I thought it was bland so I doctored it up.  Soon my salad had shredded carrots, tons of green onions (I'm addicted) and a lot more sesame seeds.  For the dressing I added more soy sauce, rice vinegar and sesame oil.  Then it tasted sort of gross. Oops! So I in went honey, orange juice, garlic and fresh ginger.  I think it turned out pretty darn good.  Hopefully I'll make it again.  When I do I'll post it here with measurements.  Just in case that never happens here is a similar recipe  Cooking.com's Sesame Dressing.

It's super late but I need some more ME time.  It's time to watch The Fall on Netflix.  You should stop reading this and watch it.  It is so flipping good.  First off there's Scully aka Gillian Anderson.  She's a detective trying to find a serial killer.  The show reminds me a bit of Prime Suspect with Helen Mirren.  Probably because Mirren's character is a seriously tough cookie just like Anderson.  I absolutely love British Detective shows.  I should really rewatch Prime Suspect and Wire in the Blood too.  It's been forever.  Seriously, it was so long go there was no Netflix, online streaming, just live Masterpiece on PBS.

Until next time. Eat your veggies.

It's only Tuesday.

 I can tell I'm pretty much about to lose my mind.  I'm trying to prevent that by writing here.  I think I need to do something else too. 

The baby cries whenever I set her down.  It sucks.  Thank the heavens my Mom came over today to rescue me.  I had these grand plans for rearranging things and cleaning.  Instead I napped for 5 hours. After how many hours does a nap change to just sleeping?  

I feel remotely better.  The house looks like a disaster area.  It's driving me nuts.  I'm having one of those I want to throw out everything I own mixed in with I hate my clothes and nothing fits days.  It's really not a good thing.  

Here's hoping tomorrow is better.  

It Gets Better

Overall I feel sort of hum-drum.  I'm still sorting out this whole I'm an adult and fully responsible for another human thing.  The motto for parenthood is "it gets better."

Babies start sleeping more.  It gets better.  They start laughing and smiling.  It gets better.  Then the walking and talking. It continually gets better.  It's pretty much our rally cry and way to support each other because sometimes it's seems endless.  

The days and night blend into each other. Soon 3:00 am seems like a great time to catch up on emails because God only knows when this baby is going to sleep again.  I have two hands free I could probably shower too....oh wait she's crying because I set her down.  Shit. Nevermind. 

We've reached the 3 month mark but it's really 2 months as she is a preemie. I sort of feel like this kid is a genius.  I know, I know every parent thinks that way.  Honestly though she's brilliant.  She can hold up her head and move it around with purpose.  She can smile and the giggles are starting too. Sure they are intermittent but these are the things that keep us going on 4 hours of sleep.  It's amazing.  If I had the time to read the books I'd probably realize she is right on schedule.

I was able to squeeze in some daily chores and readied the announcements for the mail.  Tomorrow fingers crossed a shower and if I am so bold creating an office in my china hutch or rearranging our bedroom.  The reality is I will probably do dishes and hold the baby.  

I thought I should include my recipe for last nights dinner and the leftover-makeover I had for lunch today. 

Baked Chicken Breast

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. 

Place chicken breasts in a glass casserole dish.

Put a little oil on top of the chicken and use a pastry/barbeque brush to smear around until the chicken is coated. 

Flip and repeat. 

Sprinkle seasoning on chicken.  I used salt, sage, thyme and rosemary.  Pat seasoning onto breast. 

Flip and repeat.

Bake for 18-25 minutes until chicken is not pink/170 degrees

Remove from oven and let rest for 10 minutes (if you have the patience)

Add the sides you want. I recommend a steam in bag veggie and some kind of starch like rice.

Leftover-Makeover Soup 

We had one chicken breast leftover from dinner so today I made some soup. 

4 cups Chicken Broth or I used low sodium bouillon (follow directions on container to make 4 cups) 

4 ounces thin rice noodles

1 sliced leftover chicken breast seasoned 

I just threw in the veggies I had on hand and didn't really measure. I based it on what looked like good mixture but my guess is as follows:

Approx 1/2-3/4 cup spring onions 

Approx 1/2-3/4 cup shredded carrots

Approx 1/2-3/4 cup snow peas

Bring chicken broth to boil.  Add rice noodles and stir.  Cook until done (about 2 minutes.) Then add chicken breast, spring onion, shredded carrots and snow peas.  Stir.  Cook 3 more minutes.  I like my veggies still crunchy.  You could cook longer if you want.  And should be ready to serve.  

Makes for a simple and fast homemade lunch.  

You could really use any tasty mix of veggies on hand. Try cabbage, edamame, or broccoli.  

Oh snap! It's Sunday

I spent most of the day today thinking it was Saturday. It's the worst feeling when you realize it's the wrong day as inevitably it screws something up.  This weekend was a rough one.  The hubby had to work most of the time which left me as the main caretaker.  It really makes me want to punch his job in the face.

So I'm a stay at home mom or home maker or whatever.  It's probably the toughest job I've ever had to do.  I have moments where I want to burst into tears or feel so bored that I might just parish or so busy that I can't think straight.  It's a rollercoaster of emotions with an added dash of hormones to really bring you to your knees.

I love my daughter.  She is amazing.  She has changed so much in the short time she's been outside of the womb.  I can see the gears shifting and how in each moment another connection is created in her brain.  It's truly awe inspiring how we all started out like a little blob and then become this thinking, feeling, running and jumping person.

Sometimes its hard to revel in her growth.  I get bogged down by all these things I tell myself that I'm supposed to be doing.  The downside of being a home maker is that all the jobs you hate feel like your responsibility.

Maybe it's all the "should" thoughts that I really loathe.  "I should be doing laundry...dishes...etc"  It's really hard to turn off all these thoughts and just be present.  Perhaps I'll add mindfulness to my goals for the year.

I'm kind of all over the place tonight. I think it's the byproduct of my tough weekend.  I feel a little vulnerable and judgemental of myself.  So let's focus on some positives I made dinner (another should) of baked chicken with stuffing and spinach.  It was pretty good actually.  I guess I'm progressing on my goals.  I'm not sure if the whole less fat thing is working because I want to eat everything that's not tied down.  How do you change endless hunger?